Today I am a guest-star on M*A*S*H

MR: I'm having chest pain.

ME: Because you're so old.


MR: I'm not kidding! It hurts in my chest.

ME: Really? Where?

MR: All over here.


ME:
ME:
ME: Um, I can't see you right now, you know. We are on the telephone.

ME: And, I'm not a doctor.


MR: Turn on the camera.

(At this point, I open IM and choose video chat. As I do this, I realize... um, hello. I am like, video-talking with someone across the country so that I can watch him *show* me where his chest hurts, because... why? I have no idea.
Of course, I open the IM anyways and look.)

ME: Nice tie today.

MR: I love this one. (He smooths it, which is one of his reflexes. I think about how I love this about him, and make an addition to the secret catalog of those thoughts I thought I wasn't going to think any longer.)

ME: Okay, so where is it hurting again?

MR: It just... it hurts here. (He rubs all over his chest, as though he's applying phantom Vapo Rub. He does not look to be too near his actual heart or anything.)

ME: Are either of your arms tingly or anything?

MR: No.

ME: Do you feel like you can take a deep breath?

MR: Yes.

ME: Did you just eat some gigantic sandwich or something in like, 4 seconds, and forget to breathe the whole time?

MR:
MR:
MR: ... Maybe.

ME: I don't think that's really *chest pain* then.
MR: Do you think I should call the doctor?
ME: Why don't you spend some time looking it up on WebMD or something and then convincing yourself you're fine?

MR: Aren't you going to feel really guilty if it turns out to be something serious and you thought I was joking and I was reaching OUT to you in my moment of need?

ME: Are you actually reaching out to me? If I told you to call a real doctor and not Dr. Whatchamacallit, would you do that? Really?

MR: So you like this tie, huh?

ME: How about if I check back in later and see if you're still wracked with obtuse and ill-defined pain above your right pectoral muscle?

MR: Ok.