IM WITH STUPID (sic), AGAIN

» I saw you on tv last night.

?? Drink much?

» No, really - have you seen that show, 30 Rock?

I love how you're like, always a year behind the *trends*. You're like the perfect picture of someone living in the Biosphere 2.

Of course I've seen 30 Rock.
One of Alec Baldwin's greatest roles, ever. "Not Bianca like Sanka, it's Bianca, like Willy Wonka!"



» So, do you want to go together to Luke's thing tomorrow night?

Yeah, I'm not going to that; I sent my regrets. I'm sure I will be missed out of the 1000 people invited. Tho I am bummed to miss Colbert, if he really shows.

» ? What?! Huge party, sister. How can you miss this?

a) I have a date.
and
2) It's Thursday night. You know where I would be if I didn't have said date. No TiVo, no iTunes love = must watch in actual time.


» You're already dating someone?

What? Dad? Is that you?

» SU. Seriously, though. He just left.

Okay. Are YOU serious?
He MOVED ACROSS THE COUNTRY. TO CALIFORNIA.
A month ago.
He will be living there at least a year.
He probably will not move back here, at all. No one ever does.
He did not ask me to move there.
We agreed that we will be seeing other people.

Are you really telling me I am not allowed to date anyone until... when, exactly?

» Whoa. You... are serious. Did you WANT him to ask you to move out there?


» Hey - where u go?


I'm collecting myself. Wait.

First: I feel like, don't make this into, "You were waiting for him to ask you to move with him."
I'm just pointing out, that kind of seriousness wasn't part of the equation, ever, even while we were out there together & he looked & was courted so heavily. This is a decision he made for and about himself, and his career, and I think you know that right now, for him, that's where his head is, and it really didn't seem like there should or would be an us deciding it. We'd only really been going out for like, 3 months. We didn't break up in an acrimonious way, we still talk a little, if he's here or I'm there, we'll see each other, and if neither of us is really serious about someone, we'll probably see, um, more of each other.

But I can't do
I feel like, what I usually do, and this DOES NOT WORK FOR ME, what I usually have done is to like, sit around and NOT MOVE ON, forever, and the connection I maintain is detrimental to me, long-term. The connection is good, often, for the other person, and makes them feel better about moving on, and I find myself all post-traumatic stress nine months later, trying to figure out why I'm just NOW realizing I broke up. I'm trying to break out of that here. I'm trying to think, if this is meant to be, then we will find ways to stay connected, but I am not going to sit around and do NOTHING so that I don't risk upsetting a connection that isn't quite solid. I'm not actively looking or anything, and, of course, that's when Mr. Cute, for the first time IN MY LIFE, literally stops me on the street. And he's cool. After 2 dates. Jesus. It's nothing.


» He really misses you, I think.
» I mean, I know this.

Look. That doesn't help. I have talked to him a few times, always rushed, and it's like -- it's like being filled with a helium blimp's worth of joy. And then he hangs up, and I feel like I got kicked in the stomach. I can't believe I was so cavalier about when I could talk to him all the time. I miss him. I know, because he so wonderfully TOLD ME, how he's already bored, and did he make the right decision and there's no women out there (yes, great, check) and no one on the streets, and why why why. And then he makes me laugh and I ... I think things that I really am NOT telling you. Not dirty things, just, sweet ones.

But you know what? He's got friends.
He's got literally hundreds of people to call up and commiserate with, and to fawn over him and reassure him and all that.
I don't want to BE his friend.

I can't believe I'm saying this, to you.

But I want to be MORE than that. (ha ha, I know. SU.)
I'm not happy now being one of many friends.
Either I'm more, or I need time to get over that part, and then we'll probably be friends.
But I'm not playing friends with him right now.

All or nothing, baby. Are you in, or are you out?
And if you know where that came from, I'll buy the dinner tonight.

Jesus. If you tell him we talked about this, I will shoot you, for real.